Meet Florida Man.
No, not the clickbait-news Florida Man "Arrested in Local Park for Practicing Karate on Swans." And certainly not the Florida Man who "Paused a Police Chase to Drink a Stolen Capri Sun Because 'Smoking Crack Makes Him Thirsty'."
We're talking about the real Florida Man. The original Florida Man. The Florida Man who embodies all that it means to actually be from Florida.
The real Florida Man doesn't "Dance on Patrol Cars to Escape Vampires." And he definitely doesn't "Break into Jail to Hang Out with His Friends."
The real Florida Man takes his pet alligator "Sweetie" for a late afternoon key lime pie. He eats a dozen oranges for breakfast and a KULA full of snapper for lunch. His first word was "Margaritaville" and his first baby steps were from the beach chair to the ocean's edge. All the manatees in the Crystal River know him by name. And the only time he ever left the Sunshine State was to visit a little town up north called "Florida, New York"—turns out, it was too damn cold, so he promptly pulled a U-ey and headed back south for that heavy, salty Florida air.
Hell, Florida Man even looks like Florida—a little sun-worn and scruffy, a little rough around the edges with a beard like Florida's native Spanish moss. But beneath the leathery exterior, there's an understated calm. And dare we say it? A certain kind of underappreciated, rugged beauty.
To truly understand the lore of Florida Man, though, maybe we need to talk some truth for a second.
HOW FLORIDA MAN BECAME FLORIDA MAN
Florida Man's real name is J.R. Greene. He was born in the "Chain of Lakes" of Winter Haven and raised on the salty shore of the "Space Coast" in Brevard County. His dad worked for NASA for the space program at Cape Kennedy. His mom worked in tandem with his dad to instill an unshakeable bond between J.R. and the surrounding natural habitats. J.R. grew up surrounded by Old Florida's most stunning natural features.
"We had the ocean and the most beautiful natural beaches on the East Side; a huge, protected National Wildlife Refuge on the north side with the brackish water of Indian River Lagoon, and the freshwater St. Johns River on the West Side. I couldn't dream of any better place to live" - J.R. Greene
These days, Florida Man lives in Cocoa Beach. When he's not busy going viral on TikTok, you can find him educating tourists and his community about nature preservation, running a local alligator farm, and caring for his gator Sweetie, who was recently named a Brevard County Deputy Sheriff.
"We had the ocean and the most beautiful natural beaches on the East Side; a huge, protected National Wildlife Refuge on the north side with the brackish water of Indian River Lagoon, and the freshwater St. Johns River on the West Side. I couldn't dream of any better place to live."
- J.R. Greene
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF FLORIDA MAN
Florida Man may go to great lengths to be a steward of the environment and an ambassador of Florida wildlife conservation. And he may be a walking Swiss Army Knife when it comes to water sports ability, who can paddle a BOTE board at the speed of a speedboat. But like any true Floridian, the guy also knows how to unwind like a pro.
A typical day in his life looks a little something like this:
8:00 am: Florida Man wakes up on Florida time and cracks a cold one. With nowhere to be and no one to see, he sips a Bud Heavy and waters all the plants in his trailer park community.
12:02 pm: Once the day's work is done, Florida Man hops on his beach cruiser and coasts on down to the motel pool with his pet gator Sweetie. They splash about and get their alligator-skin all tanned and crispy.
3:00 pm: To cool off, Florida Man and Sweetie head into town for some world-famous key lime pie and ice cream where they get spotted by the paparazzi.
5:00 pm: From there, it's off to the ocean, where Florida Man flies a kite from golden hour deep into dusk, with time and all its superficial troubles evaporating into the ether.
FLORIDA MAN'S HOLY GRAIL: THE RATTLER
Legend has it, long long ago, Florida Man got bit. You could say he got bit by the bug of paddle boarding. But it was actually something more sinister than that. He got bit by The Rattler—a mythical diamond-backed slithering beast living deep in the Florida jungle.
Ever since, Florida Man has been on a quest to find The Rattler. He cruises up and down the waterways of Florida in an airboat, bushwhacks through the jungle, puts his ear to the marshy ground, with the hope that maybe one day he'll find it.
The Rattler is Florida Man's Moby Dick. They're equals, cut from the same cloth. They were both born in a squall of folklore fury. Both are wild and untameable until that moment when they're unleashed in the water and their restless spirits finally feel at ease. Both are hardened, weathered veterans of water, wind, and salt life, yet polished by a graceful calm that comes over them in their natural Florida habitats.
Like twins separated at birth, The Rattler and Florida Man are part of one another. The Rattler is a tribute to the Florida Man in all of us. It's the ultimate Florida Man board.
What are you waiting for? Release your inner Florida Man with The Rattler, a limited edition paddle board available now until... well, let's just say you don't want to think twice about it or it may be gone.